Tonight Renaissance face Judea People’s Front to decide who will win the Battersea 6 a-side league championship. All eyes will be on this corner of south west London as Renaissance gun for their sixth league title and their first taste of silverware since winning the Vauxhall league last summer.
League supremo John Atkinson, currently recovering from a broken metatarsal, said: “I unfortunately won’t be there on Thursday as it’s very difficult for me to get around as I’m not allowed to drive, and taking a wheelchair onto the bus (especially with a box full of trophies) isn’t much fun! However, I have given the trophies to one of my referees who will present one of them to you at the end of your game. Good luck!”
Dismissing rumours that Top Corner and BT Sports had fiddled with the fixture computer – a rusty Commodore 64 – to bring these two teams together at the end of the season he said: “I had no idea who would be the main contenders in this division so it’s great that the fixture list has set it up like this!”
At which point the morphine kicked in: “I’m getting really irritated with useless hospitals! I went back to A&E last night and then I’m back in the fracture clinic again on Friday, just to put some more plaster on a simple fracture! Hopefully you get the winner’s trophy.”
So it comes down to this: JPF have to win the match to take the league title, every other result gives Renaissance the title – a Renaissance win, a draw, a 12-man brawl, all match balls skied into Battersea Park Road never to return. But it won’t be easy for Renaissance – oh no. JPF dealt Renaissance their sole defeat of the season – a high-scoring 5-3 encounter which Renaissance will want to avenge.
Past results have little bearing on this type of play-off show piece and looking into either team’s form guide will be as pointless as a chastity belt in a whore house. It might simply come down to which team has the most desire to win. JPF have the best attack in the league, Renaissance the best defence – irresistible force versus the immovable object – something will have to give.
The outcome will be settled by the age old, timelessly omnipotent, trial of all trials. The odyssey of all odysseys. 14th November. A cold wet Thursday night. Wind chill -5 degrees. Pitch more frozen than the scrotal sac of climate change. Floodlights playing up. Partisan crowd beating the drums… boom! boom! Ref letting the game run. Huge reducers right from the get go. Where? Battersea. Where you there?